that I have terrible communication skills. A lot of times there is so much that I want to say and often times I don't for fear of being judged, mocked or it going in one ear and out the other. I'm only just learning now to be more open and honest.
A lot of this comes from childhood/teen years. An example, I expressed how I felt in letter to a guy I liked in 6th grade, he had his friend go over to my desk and rip that letter in front of me. Told another guy how I felt about him (again in a letter) annnnd the next thing I know my whole family knows and it became everybody's business. Those two moments stopped me from pursuing any future crushes. I think after those moments I became oblivious and very quiet. One cat from my past gave me a gift on my birthday, something no one else ever did before that, it took years to realize "oh he liked me." Yeah I'm VERY slow to catch on. I think also I didn't want to assume or be rejected.
This moment happened recently where I was about to send an email and I was going to be humorous but there was that sharp moment of realization that oh... that person doesn't joke/doesn't like to joke/wouldn't get my humor.... and that made me bummed out because it's always been that way and it sucks. And I love this person so it sucks even more.
I can count on a just a few of you out there in my life and reading this right now who honestly get me. You know my squeaks, mews, sense of humor, my ticks, when I am quiet and when I want to party THANK YOU for still being there.
Basically what this was is I'm trying.... i want to say what is on my mind and communicate. No matter the consequence. (although that consequence can suck sometimes and people look at you funny.) I'm also saying all this because if YOU have something to say... SAY IT. If you want to do something but fear or fear of rejection is holding you back.... F*** it and just do it. BECAUSE if you don't you will wonder and worry for the rest of your days. I'm here, shyness and all and I'm taking my own advice.
BUT!!!! Think too, breathe and then go for it.
I want to be better, I want to be bolder, smile a bit more and be more open and honest.
If any of this makes sense then "yay" and if it doesn't.... guess I'll have to try again
and yeah lastly.... it does take me a while to fully say what I want to say AND it takes me a while to get where you are going and I say this now if you are trying to be subtle...I will not catch on so please just say it.
and with that I'm going to bed!
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Goodnight, sleep well and please take care!